Food in Spira
by DarkDude
Summary: A weird and funny look at what they eat in Spira. First two chapters about Besaidian food. Foods - Besaid: Farts. Zanarkand: McZanarkand's BigZacs
1. First Time Fart

Authors Note: This true story is a behind the scenes look at the sides of Spira that you would have never known about, or cared about. The player was too involved to really wonder about the small things, like what do the characters eat, how they hold their breath in blitzball so long, or where the hell do they go to the bathroom. 

__

Ever since I arrived in Spira, I never was really able to think about the small things. My mind was constantly occupied with Sin, Yevon, Yuna. Everything was so different, so unreal. I should have known that nothing would have been the same...not even the food.

*Scene opens to a shot of Tidus sitting in Wakka's house, waiting for some lunch shortly after being blasted away by Sin on the Al-Bhed ship*

****

Wakka: You must be starving, eh? I'll cook you something real good!  
**Tidus**: Say, Wakka, what do you guys eat?

****

Wakka: Oh, we eat farts. *Grins, and drops something into a frying pan, which makes a peculiar sizzle*

****

Tidus: What? You guys eat...farts?

****

Wakka: *Adds some more stuff to the skillet, causing the whole house to fill up with thick steam* Well, what do you expect us to eat, ya? 

****

Tidus: Meat...?

****

Wakka: *Laughs, then stops when Tidus looks serious* Oh...you were being serious ya? Well, uh, we dun do that in Besaid...best you mind that, if you don't want any funny looks down in the Besaid Beach Restaurant, ya?

****

Tidus: Right...So, you eat farts?

****

Wakka: Exactly!

****

Tidus: So...how exactly do you cook farts?

****

Wakka: Well, you have to make sure that everything is mixed well, and you can season it if you want, but I find that most of my farts are well seasoned already! *Laughs*

****

Tidus: *Pales* ...Does it fill you up?

****

Wakka: Not at first, ya? Not very filling, but tasty little suckers. You gotta eat a lotta farts to be full, ya?

****

Tidus: Oh...yeah. 

*Seven minutes later*

Wakka: Fart's ready! I don't mean to sound conceited, but I grill some of the best farts this side of Spira! Oooh...*Holds his nose* This one's a bit strong, better let it settle, ya?

****

Tidus: ...Yeah...Be right back, Wakka. *Runs out of the house, desperately looking for real food. Walks around Wakka's house, and finds a small vegetable and fruit garden. After eating several bananas and strawberries, Tidus walks back into the house*

****

Wakka: Where you been, ya? These farts are going cold!

****

Tidus: Uh...Just around your house. Wakka, did you notice you got a vegetable garden in your back?

****

Wakka: Of course! How else do you think I get farts so flavorful? Beans add lots of flavor, that's a given, ya, but it's the tomatoes that really get my farts going!

****

Tidus: Actually, I'm kind of full...Um, I'll just take a nap, I'll let you enjoy your farts in peace.

****

Wakka: *Stares at Tidus* Uh...okay, ya, but your loss. You have no idea what you're missing!

****

Tidus: Oh, I'm sure that your farts are great, I'm just tired...

****

Wakka: Sweet dreams, ya! Oh Yevon, these farts are gonna be great...

Author's note: How was it? Please review me, it only takes a few minutes. Well, if you guys really like this story, I'll continue it, but if not, I'll leave it to die, along with several other fics of mine.


	2. Don't Eat the Chocobos!

Author's Note: Hey, I hope you liked the last chapter. Here's the next one, set during a conversation right before dinner.

*Scene opens shortly after Yuna, Kimahri, and Lulu join the group. The whole party is camped around a fire, after Yuna receive Valefor, and before they get Ifrit*

****

Yuna: I'm hungry...How about you, Tidus?

****

Tidus: *Yawns* I'm _starving_...

****

Lulu: Then you should try some of Wakka's farts, they're quite delicious.

****

Kimahri: Kimahri love Wakka's farts.

****

Wakka: *Blushes* Eh, they're not that good, it just tastes good with experience, ya'know? Sometimes you get good farts, sometimes you get not-so-good farts...

****

Lulu: Don't be so humble, Wakka!

****

Kimahri: Kimahri can't wait for farts!

****

Yuna: If you could, Wakka, would you mind making us some farts? We're awfully hungry, right?

****

Tidus: Erh...I'm not so hungry for farts.

****

Lulu: Then what do you eat? What'd you eat in 'Zanarkand'?

****

Tidus: We ate lots of good stuff! Well, we would eat meat, and fruits, and vegetables, for one thing, not farts.

****

Wakka: *Gasps* Holy Yevon! You didn't eat farts?

****

Yuna: Wakka! Don't be so rude. Continue, please, Tidus.

****

Tidus: Well, we would have beef, which is from cows...

****

Wakka: Cows?

****

Tidus: Erh...maybe, like one of those dog things, only big and stupid. *Points to a fiend walking by*

****

Wakka: *Grimaces* Must have tasted like crap, ya? I mean, those 'cows' of yours are just pyreflies, right?

****

Yuna: What else would you eat?

****

Tidus: Oh, we also ate seafood.

****

Kimahri: See...food?

****

Tidus: No no, seafood. Food from the Ocean.

****

Wakka: *Jumps up, blitzball aimed for Tidus* That's enough! I've had enough of this blasphemous heretic! First, he doesn't eat farts. Now he eats food from Yevon's oceans? Just like the Al-Bhed!

****

Lulu: Wakka! Calm down! 

****

Wakka: Grr...

****

Kimahri: Ronso eat fish, fish is good for Ronso. Little Ronso especially. Big Ronso say fish make little Ronso grow big and strong.

****

Wakka: And we all know how intelligent the Ronsos are...*sarcasm*

****

Kimahri: Kimahri thanks you.

****

Tidus: What about the Al-Bhed? Don't they eat seafood too?

****

Yuna: That's right, the Al-Bhed do eat seafood.

****

Wakka: Damn the Al-Bhed!

****

Lulu: Wakka, shut up! *Looks at Yuna*

****

Yuna: Well...what kind of seafood?

****

Wakka: *Grumbles* They probably eat the turtles and the giant squid.

****

Tidus: *Ignoring Wakka* Well, we would eat shrimp, fish, clams, oysters, muscles, crabs, lobsters...lots of thing. Seafood is supposed to be real healthy, you know.

****

Yuna: Wow, we should try that one day...Could...could you do it Wakka?

****

Wakka: Ya, I could, if I want to be damned to Hell!!

****

Kimahri: Kimahri ate many fish. Is Kimahri going to Hell?

****

Wakka: Most certainly!

****

Lulu: Wakka...

****

Wakka: *Sighs* Ya, ya, what else do 'Zanarkanians' eat? Next you'll be telling us people.

****

Tidus: Well, we also ate chickens, and pork, and lamb.

****

Kimahri: Chick-en? Pork? Lamb?

****

Tidus: Well, pork's like, a pig, you have those here, right?

****

Yuna: Yeah, we do.

****

Tidus: Lamb is from a...lamb...which is like a cow, but tastes different. And chicken is like a chocobo.

****

All: *Gasp*

****

Yuna: *Giggles nervously* You don't eat a chocobo...for real...do you?

****

Wakka: It's like I tell you! You gotta keep your pets away from people like them, ya! *Points to Kimahri and Tidus* They eat your chocobos, what next? I still can't find my dog, and it's been missing ever since Kimahri came over!

****

Kimahri: *Giggles*

****

Lulu: So, in 'Zanarkand' you eat your pets?

****

Tidus: No! In Zanarkand, there are people who raise hundreds of chickens, not chocobos. They aren't pets, they're raised for food.

****

Wakka: How barbaric!

****

Tidus: Well, at least we don't eat farts.

****

Wakka: *Sarcasm* Yeah, thank Yevon for that one, eh? All you do is be heretics and eat your pets, while being condemned to Hell. I mean, screw eating farts, when you can eat your best friend, ya?

****

Tidus: *Sighs* Well, I'm tired. I'll tell you more about Zanarkand tomorrow.

****

Wakka: And I'll tell you where the nearest asylum is...man, you better do some heavy repenting, ya?

****

Tidus: All I did was eat a chicken.

****

Wakka: And all Sin did was kill a few thousand people, topple buildings, and destroy civilization.

****

Tidus: Hey, Sin doesn't eat chicken. Does that make him a saint?

****

Wakka: No. He's just smart enough to realize he doesn't want to be damned to Hell!

****

Tidus: *Sighs*

Author's Note: Third chapter should be up within two weeks; I work slow. But if you all clamor for another chapter, and if you add me to your favorites, it might just come out sooner.


	3. McZanarkand's BigZacs and McShakes!

Author's Note: Third Chapter...Whoooh..

_Ever since I arrived in Spira, I've never eaten anything that was cooked by Wakka for a long time. No matter how serious everyone acted, I seriously doubted people could eat farts. But one day, I was so hungry I couldn't resist...Man, that would change my days in Spira forever._

*Scene opens in Macalania Forest, with everyone, including Rikku and Auron, sitting next to a firaga that Lulu conjured up. Wakka takes out a frying pan, and grins* 

****

Wakka: Time for some good old farts!

****

Rikku: *Sticks out her tongues* I hate farts! Why can't we eat something good, like fish?

****

Kimahri: Kimahri's tummy makes funny growl...it says "fish".

****

Wakka: No, idiot, that's your mouth!

****

Kimahri: Kimahri sad...

****

Auron: I've been in Zanarkand for so long, I can hardly get used to fr-

****

Wakka: But my fart's are really good, ya! You'll get that nasty Chocobo taste outta your mouth in no time! *Dark look at Tidus, who shrugs*

****

Tidus: Hey! Come on, you people eat _farts_!

****

Lulu: What's so bad about farts? They're healthy, as long as they're fresh picked.

****

Auron: Tidus, do you even know what a fart is?

****

Tidus: Yeah...duh...

****

Yuna: Then what's so wrong about them? I'm sorry, but Wakka refuses to cook some chicken...

****

Wakka: I'm not a Chocobo Eater! And I won't ever be!

****

Lulu: *Sighs* Well, we're out here in the middle of Macalania forest...We might as well eat some of Wakka's farts.

****

Tidus: *Looks around* Uh...I'm not too hungry.

****

Rikku: Usually I'd say no, but I'm _starving_...

****

Auron: I would enjoy a nice warm fart, if you don't mind Wakka...*Looks at Tidus* Are you sure you don't want any? They're fresh, and good, and definitely not what you think...*Slight grin*

****

Tidus: *Grimaces* It's all right, I'm not hungry.

****

Yuna: Will you try one? For...me?

****

Rikku: *Whispers to Auron* Uh oh...they're getting all gushy...better get the Kleenex...

****

Kimahri: *Giggles* Kimahri thinks you should have seen what they did in pool just a few minutes ago—

****

Yuna: Kimahri!

****

Tidus: *Blushing* Oh, I supposed one fart...couldn't...hurt too much...

****

Wakka: All right! *Grins and runs off to the forest* These are gonna be some special farts for Tidus! I gotta get the good stuff...Lu, come with me too! I need beans, tomatoes...oh, and some mushrooms too, you can't forget the distinct flavor that farts get from mushrooms...*Runs off*

****

Lulu: *Sighs and runs after Wakka* Don't make me run...not in this outfit...

****

Rikku: *Yawns and lays down on the forest floor* Tidus, have you ever had a fart before?

****

Tidus: Erh...not really...

****

Auron: It's not as good as a McZanarkand's Big Zac, or maybe some grilled chicken, but farts are very, very good.

****

Yuna: Zanarkand had ...Big Zacs?

****

Tidus: It's a piece of beef, grilled, placed between two pieces of bread.

****

Yuna: What? What's grilled?

****

Auron: It's when a meat, beef in this case, is placed over a special fire, then cooked in a special way, usually giving it a delicious and unique flavor.

****

Rikku: *Winces* So you grab a cow, and throw it on a fire, and eat it?

****

Yuna: *Corrects her, showing off her Zanarkand knowledge* Don't forget, two pieces of bread are placed on top and on the bottom of the cow.

****

Rikku: Oh...I get it...*Obviously not getting it*

****

Tidus: No no no...You cut off a piece of meat before grilling it..

****

Auron: And you place a few metal bars over the fire, keeping the meat out of the fire, and just in the heat...

****

Rikku: So, if I wanted a Big Zac, I throw on a cow leg over a few iron bars inside a fire?

****

Yuna: After you put a piece of bread on the top and bottom of it. *Nods* Right?

****

Tidus: *Sighs* Wrong...

****

Auron: There are special cuts of meat...Rikku, take off your shirt...

****

Rikku: *Shrugs* Ok.

****

Tidus: No, Rikku! Here, Kimahri, you're most like a big, fat, stupid cow, you do it.

****

Kimahri: Kimahri has no shirt...

****

Auron: *Takes out a thin pointing stick* Now Hamburger is made from this cut of meat...*Points near the backside of Kimahri* And is cut into a thin, round plate-like shape.

****

Tidus: *Grabs the stick* No, hamburger is from here, *Points to front-chest side of Kimahri* And most hamburger isn't thin, it's pretty thick.

****

Yuna: *Raises her hand* 

****

Auron: Yes?

****

Yuna: *Points to Kimahri's back* If that's where the meat comes from, what do they do to Kimahri's head, and legs?

****

Tidus: That's the great part about McZanarkand's. The leftover meat-

****

Auron: Chicken _or_ beef...

****

Tidus: Is ground up, into a thick paste, and used as McShakes! Mmm!

****

Auron: *Whispers loudly* The secret to the taste is the spoonful of curdled milk in every sip!

****

Rikku: *Eyes widen* Ooh! Sounds delicious! How do you make these McShakes?

****

Tidus: Well, we need to ground up a chocobo, and add some special ingredients...

****

Auron: *Whispers loudly* Curdled milk!

****

Tidus: And some sugar, and voila! Deliciouso! 

****

Yuna: *Licks her lips* Sounds delicious...even if it _is_ against Yevon. But, wait, so what's a hamburger again?

****

Auron: *Points to Kimahri's back* Remember, it's like a saucer cut of meat..

****

Tidus: It looks kind of a breast implant. *Nods*

****

Yuna: Ooh! I've seen _those_! Right before Lulu went into op—

****

Rikku: *Covers Yuna's mouth* Yeah, we know what those look like. 

****

Kimahri: So explain to Kimahri what hamburger taste like.

****

Tidus: *Jokingly* Bite yourself and find out.

****

Kimahri: *Bites his arm, and thinks* Fish still better.

****

Tidus: *Sweatdrop* Not seriously, Kimahri.

****

Auron: Besides, you're not grain-fed and fattened, like the cows at McZanarkand's. And, you don't have steroids pumped into you.

****

Kimahri: Kimahri sure Kimahri has steroids of some sort.

****

Rikku: Look! Wakka and Lu are back!

****

Wakka: *Yells* Hey! We couldn't find any garnishes for farts, but wait till you see what Lu got!

Author's Note: Soon, you'll find out what farts _really_ are...hm...

-Chapter 4 coming soon-


End file.
